before sunset

It was a beautiful day. Almost unreal in its clarity, colour and calmness.
Even smoking a cigarette felt like blasphemy lest it clouded the crispness and cool that had seized the air...and the light, oh the light like never before.

The blinds had been lifted.
The chores done. Lawn mowed to perfection. Oven scraped off the last remnants of burnt cookies. Every crease ironed out on the bedspread. Glasses spanking clean.

The fantasy was real.
Just me in here with everything I needed to feel good. And whole. And safe.
A ton of books, a breathing cactus and a stack of carefully picked movies. Even a bird chirping here and there and a cupboard full of my favourite CDs.

Time to browse my travel pictures or dabble with the oil on canvas I'd been planning so long.

All at my own time. Undisturbed. Unfettered.

No, I don't feel like talking. (can you stay out of my hair, please?)
No I don't remember being mean or particularly care how you feel (I need my space!)
If you think I'm a bitch thats your problem (feels good to be one occasionally :P)
I have other things on my mind (my life is a priority, you take care of yours)

I just want to be

Too early for a glass of wine. Some blueberry yoghurt would do nicely instead.
A brisk walk perhaps to spot some flowers.
This is my island.

The phone shall stay off the hook and the computer logged off.
No scope for frowns. No need for fixes.

I've always hated company and boredom. One and the same aren't they?

love makes me sick
friendship exhausts me
wants make me weak
hate haunts me

Lets dump the cliches for a while.

Wisdom and worship confound me. Now that could make for a novel! I'm getting there...

At a basic level, for me, anger stems from injustice, fear from emotion. Both depress me.

So I've packed the fragile soul in a paper cup and poured coffee into it.
Lukewarm coffee, that keeps me passive and plain.

I finally decided to be happy and ordinary.
I always thought I was the latter and never the former.
they always thought the reverse.
now I'm confused.

you say I'm neither
even in brief soporific moments
"Id rather be a hammer than a nail.."

if I could be halfway on each perhaps, that might do the trick

No more mindgames. Lets keep it simple.

eat when your hungry, sleep when your sad.
paint when your happy. run when your bad.

Nothing really matters. You believe that?
And if nothing matters- what is the point of it all?

Light fading. Chill descending.
Warm lamplit corner. Cosy sofa.

Good old christmas tree outside window catches my eye.
Awkward and rather forlorn I'd say, like it wants to come in but wouldn't intrude.
Must be cold or shy, or both.
It's not your time yet baby. Hang loose.
I did want you in my garden but not past the threshold.

Stop staring like that!

Would a box of tissues suffice?
Sentiment kills me. Do you see any photos on the wall?

back to my crossword puzzle
pondering

is bad for health
good for the mind?

hey tree- get a life
they'll all want you when its christmas

and then again when hell freezes over
peek in the mirror (I love my evil grin)

who said losers can't win?