Take it or leave

I love it when you fight me
I love it when you bite
I love it when you hate me
And it happens every night.

I hate it when you touch me
I hate it when you cry
I hate it when you tell me
You will never ever lie.

Will love it if you burn me
Will hate it if you don't
Will love it if you throw me out
So please don't say you won't.


So I'm waiting here
For one good kick
Love it, hate it
Take your pick!

Years from now

Because you are no one
And you are here
Like a waking dream
Alive in my head

Because that soft smile
reflecting your eyes
Is gentle as the night time
cushioning the stars

Reaching for
and calming the fever
That I fear would drive you away

And what can I do for you
that you might know
I would not ask of you
that which I need the most
And that you
do not have to save me

As your heart gently
pushes me away
with a watchful eye
Lest I fall

And it is just another
moment to cherish
and cry for
and never seek again

Can it stay this way
or will it fade
And when we meet again
like friends or strangers

We can hold hands
and know

that we were holding hands
for all these years

(for my friend with soft hands)

A few words

A few words
Strung together
To make it all real
Spoken as only he could

A voice like
the seas calling to you
drifting over the edge of waves

And that feeling
that she knows
I need not explain

Relief and pain
one and the same
Surging through me

And the stars smile

They know I'm coming back
And it will never be
the same again.

For you

Just a touch of me
In your eyes
Your hair
In the air
around you

Blood rushing through your veins
Looking out over the lighthouses
That seem more real
Just as she sits
there beside you
On a slope of grass
Drinking in the sea and night air

That chills her for fear of losing you

And you know that this is you
And all you say
And all you hear
Is a shadow
Of just that touch of you
In her hair
Her face

And her eyes...

blood on my hands

I'm going to kill.

Tomorrow perhaps
Or the day after.

And it won't be simple.
Oh no it won't!
Don't fool yourself
Because I don't.

It won't be the usual way
Like a quick and easy lay
That you get out of the way
Like just another day.

This one will be tough
Nerve wracking and rough
Long, painful and slow,
Little did you know
I wouldn't let you go.

Will twist the jagged edge
Putrid pungent steel
Slicing bit by bit
What can never heal.

Watch calmly as you burn
Teaching you to learn
What you'll never live to be
What your screaming now to see.

As your insides spill out...red
Fear roaring in your head
It never hurts, you'd said
Now it will,
...long before your dead.

So stop me if you can
Try and be a man
But your brain will let you down
Even as you drown.

That brain you so cherish
Will stand by as you perish
Turn its back and wait
Too scared to fight the hate.

As I dig it deeper still,
Need to have my fill.
And I sip a glass of wine
And know it will be fine.

As I leave you now,
I leave you,
To rot and writhe and whine.

Sorry baby
It was your blood or mine.

Here

Am I thinking?

Again?

Am I?

No, I'm just here.
Like I always was.

Like a limerick
Never written.

Like an apple
Never bitten.

Like a ghost
Never smitten.


And after every war
When I asked for more

After every hug
The hole I dug

To bury myself


After every cry
When I tried to die

Bricks and stone
Skull and bone

Left me here alone.


So

Do you ever think
I might be on the brink

Do you ever

See me as I am?
Even try to give a damn?

Do you?

And

Can you see me now?
Can you ask me how

I'm still here?


Will you fight yourself
Will you fight me

Will you

to be here too?

For no one

Thought I'd try my hand at love poetry for a change!

Something bright,
Just a trifle trite
I think I might
Just feel right.

And what would I write?

About that first unexpected kiss
That look I often miss
That soft eloquent touch
Silence, that said so much.

The laughter and the light
The frolic and the fight
The warm deep glow
As we merged soft and slow.

Stop.
Right now.
You don't know how.

You never did.
So drop the lid.

And speak no more
Of that mask you wore
That flame you bore

as no one's whore.

hey, thats no way to say goodbye

After a long night gone by
After the passion runs dry
After a warmly ebbing high
Long after
We stopped asking why

We roll back
Into that cosy sack
Like Jill and Jack
Waiting to crack.

And drink in the sweetness
Of an hour of weakness.
Drunk on a wet wet world
As the sea outside swirled

and asked

Would you know me tomorrow
if I looked in your eye
if you passed me by
if I made you cry?

And you smiled and said
You make me see red
Turn my heart to lead
Wish that I was dead.

And you make me want to

Read you
Feed you
Heed you
Yet, bleed you

And you make me want to

Fight you
Slight you
Incite you
Even bite you

And when you do
Try to be true
And you look up at me
Hoping you see
Who you wish me to be

I'll be mocking sweetly
as I set myself free

As I push you away so gently
And crush your dreams
Tug at their seams

Till they come undone

So much fun
I couldn't run
Stay and watch

Watch you wildly moan
and bruise flesh on stone
Watch you draw blood
a sweet searing flood

Watch you wear me down
As I step back and frown
Annoyed
Unharmed
Not the least bit alarmed.

As you look on now

Too stunned to ask
Too bitter to bask
Too hurt to know
Too weak to let go

And I can laugh out loud
And feel so damn proud
That I can beat you
Defeat you
Maltreat you

Even forget you.

As I walk out quietly
and kill the man
I tried to be

For a while

For that one gorgeous mile
We walked in style

Together

and I have to tell you

I won't come back
even to watch you smile.

Its getting darker

I'm shivering uncontrollably.Its a balmy 26 degrees centigrade. Goosebumps, chilled palms. Why?

One stark relentless thought in my mind. Foolish fears I can't beat out of that fevered brain.

Live. Breathe. Even if you don't want to. Its going to be worse when you die. Didn't they teach you that at school you little wimp?

There are no demons. There never were.
Its a sunny sweet world. People love each other. They love you too.
Even if you tear them apart and run away from it all.

Listen to me. Use your eyes and ears since you won't use that brain of yours (cursing under my severely constricted breath). Look at me .

Its not all about you. Get it? Like it or not, it never was. So get wise.
Do unto them as they do unto you. Screw the bastards. Cherish the angels.
Hold a newborn baby in your arms and know, that even if it never feels the same again, you are still you, and no one can take that away.

Even if you beg them to.

Grazed knees and more

It was me wasn't it?

I got it so wrong.
Read you upside down
When you came on so strong.

Yes, it was me
Who did it all wrong
Held on so tight
It wouldn't be long

Before you would have to flee
Or frown and politely
Renounce me.

And I made you lose a tooth
trying to chew the hard truth
Or was it in fact a tasty treat
fitfully flavoured, fragrant meat?

I'm sorry I made you lose your appetite
And left you feeling sad and proud
to be back on that sorry diet.

And if you'd only warned me
And helped me see
Perhaps I could have
Done it differently.

And if I'd known, all you ever wanted
Was a piece of my brain
We could have plotted all night
to keep away the rain.

Or if I'd learnt better
How to romp randomly
and never let it bother me

I could have pleased you
and never abused you

And all I really wanted to say
Was that
Would you forgive me please
and love me just a little
If I got down on my knees?

Lovesong you say- no, just another day

And we thought one day
we would fly together
Climb a tall mountain
Collapse at the summit
Gasping for breath
Drinking in the world around
In all its mighty splendour.

Fight over a chocolate bar
and snuggle up tight
to beat the biting cold
outside and inside us.

And we thought we could be alone
and wander the meadows
and dreamlike deserts
Scour the seabed for corals
Race down ravines
Comb the caves for hidden treasure

Call the sky our own

And on a misty winter morn
Go seeking each other
With a bagful of stories
A head full of pictures
And a heart full of passion

And we thought we could live for ourselves
And no other

And never have to be together
to feel each other, see each other
taste, touch, torment
or even smile together.

We never will.

Just like we will never
Curl up on a couch and
watch a movie together
except in our minds?

Never do laundry together
Never cook a meal together
Or brush our teeth together

But we always will

Hold each other
When we cry
Beat each other when we lie
Kiss each other as we sigh

Worlds away
There to stay
The price we pay
to never betray

Who we really are.

And perhaps on one magic day
When the world stands still
And we are each truly alone
As we always wanted to be

We will wake up and have coffee together.

Senselessly strong, scorching
Silent, soothing coffee.

Together.
Yes, together.

Goo Goo g' Joob

And did you really think that I was kind and true?
and that just because you touched me
I'd be bound to you?

Just because we laughed together, and you fed me pie
did you think I'd always crave you or never make you cry?

And just because we talked all day
did you think I'd never go away?
And just because you made me beam
you thought you'd ride my ship of dreams?

So listen up and listen good

I held you because you smelt nice
I kissed you because it felt nice
I calmed you because it felt wise
I wrecked you - to shield my own disguise.

And just because you teased me
Did you think I would desert you?
And just because you hugged me
That I'd see the world anew?

And because you gave yourself to me
your trust and torment too
Did you think I'd never let you fall
and be there just for you?

And just because we played in tune
so warm and close together
That one lost night could never make you
claim from me another.

So fly away my precious moth and find your perfect flame
Turn it into flesh and blood, that you can scar and maim.

I have chores to fret about, and many mouths to feed
Hurting never bothered me, money's what I need.

Know that you can never make me toss and turn and cry
Remember you were never here and it was just a lie.

So fare thee well and be on time
to catch that magic bus
I am the eggman, they are the eggmen
I am the walrus.

Eyes wide shut

You were going to leave last night, weren't you?

Like a million other nights before that, like a million other moments when you thought you could just look away, take a deep breath and run.
So why didn't you?
Was it that smooth single malt matured for eighteen years, that we'd been saving for a special night or my perfectly prepared putanesca, or just the cosy couch which so loves to be molested by you?

It wasn't the music I know. You never thought Dylan was a singer anyway, although he did write some decent poetry.
And it wasn't the view - you hate darkness and half a moon and a slumbering world.

I had packed your things you know,listed everything precisely, you needn't have worried about leaving anything behind- nothing important,that is.
I had promised to ship you the Kandinsky prints and all your favourite bric a brac later.
Didn't you believe me?

Didn't you believe me when I said I'd be OK?
That its the only way to do it, with a smile and a polite hug?
What would have been the point of smashing all that expensive crystal and the precious curios collected from far flung bits of the world, traversed hand in hand?

Or flinging poisoned barbs at each other and revelling in the hurting game, just because you know where it hurts the most- or did we really know, after all these years?

I believed you when you said we'd be friends. So much simpler. Like half a litre of water in that single malt. Safe too. Almost exemplary.

Yes we were smart. Spared ourselves the protracted hangover, the needless trauma, the necessary melodrama, even the clean-up job after the chaos and cuts.
Watched our favourite movie, gorged on gooey chocolate mousse with extra whipped cream, honey and nuts and sipped the cognac composedly.

Numbed steady eyes. No conflict. No hysteria.

Everything is exactly as it should be. The walls are the same colour. The cat smells the same. Even the window opens out the same way and the toaster- you know it won't work till you slap it around a bit.

Only the moon outside has disappeared. You didn't notice did you?
Can I get you those soft bedroom slippers and some camomile tea? Its late you know.
I know you said you'll leave at daybreak, should I book a cab perhaps?
Or wouldn't you rather get a good nights sleep and leave after your usual dose of strong java, and maybe that Monday morning dimsum breakfast, like always? Oh, and I did remember to buy that seafood flavoured soy sauce you can't do without.

Hey, can't you sleep on your side of the bed and leave me more than just a few inches of the duvet? That means I've got to be all over you to get warm and we're not supposed to do that anymore- take each other for granted.
Will have to tug hard at the duvet or go looking for that ancient hot water bottle. Why is it freezing in here, now?

How about if I sit up and watch a movie all night while you dream of a hassle free tomorrow, and we can both be ourselves in the morning and pretend its just another day and we're going to work and we'll be back that evening, cursing the rest of the world and looking forward to-

coming home?

Took the Kandinskys off the walls, moved the couch, dumped the toaster, drained the cognac and gave the cat away.

Moon's back in full form.
Can't seem to open that window though. It used to be so easy! Push it, kick it, beat it. No luck.

Guess, some things will change.

You've just got to take the good with the bad thats all.

Wish I knew which was which though.

Split wide open

Yes of course I'm inordinately fond of you.
And your dying to know why. Thats not really important though, is it?

And of course I'm a vastly (in?)dispensable source of amusement for you. One could presume even a lazy distant sort of affection sparked by an occasional stray thought or a clever line that arouses-
curiosity? surprise? respect? revulsion?

For someone not quite real,not quite true, not all there, yet not all square either.

Smile uncomfortably at the thought of that autumn leaf falling slowly,scorched orange, blistered by a bored sun which had nothing better to do.

Feel fabulous because the virgin dewdrops touched your naked feet,
and for a while your mind stopped dissecting-
their transparent torsos to the point where you yourself needed to scream.

Nothing is perfect. Especially not you.

Sometimes that beautiful mind shuts down and those sharp eyes cloud with doubt and that meticulous heartbeat loses its confident rhythm and races fruitlessly for shelter in a stormbound desert.

But me, what about me? Aren't I perfect?

Right down to that blue vein you couldn't see? And yet, you wouldn't let yourself believe that. Tch, tch tch.

Why?

No reason.

Perhaps because I am inordinately fond of you.
Or you fear that I'm not?

Will laugh myself to sleep now.

Redrum

"I can remember when I was a little boy. My grandmother and I could hold conversations entirely without ever opening our mouths. She called it "shining." And for a long time, I thought it was just the two of us that had the shine to us. Just like you probably thought you was the only one". (The Shining, 1980)

It speaks to me.
All in red.

Lisping slowly,
Painting pictures
Trickling gently,
Halting once
Choking mildly.

I prick the silence
Coaxing, conversing,
Shatter the reserve
Slash the preserve.

Watch it flow
A feverish glow
Frantic, furious
Bursting forth
With secrets of
a lifetime.

Keep talking
Keep going
Keep stealing
Keep healing

Yes,it spoke to me
Liquid fire,
Long after
I could hear no more.

And kept shining
Through that one
Stained razor
Inert on the floor.

My ghost

Someone tells a story.(see title link)

A bad story? True? One half perhaps.

They forgot about the ghost who talks.
And makes music in the middle of the night.
And cuddles up cloaked in transparent white.
Surrogate teddy bear

'course I've seen him.

He never said goodbye
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