She'd been there before. Oh yes. Not once, not twice, but over a few lifetimes.
Or at least what felt like that. Dying many times over.
Playing Viola (albeit with less patience, and no monument),
or Lady Macbeth (which was harder given her water conservation philosophy)
or Ophelia (now that required way too much medication),
Desdemona (well, almost, and at least it helped her figure how dumb and dangerous they could be)
and Juliet too (never again, she didn't want them to think she was dumb, now did she!).
Well perhaps it was time to dump Shakespeare.
Time to play Delilah.
Now what if the man in question is bald?
(Lets assume he isn't for the moment and move on).
What if she didn't need the money?
Ok. Dump Delilah. Too many loopholes.
Whats safe, easy, and trendy too?
I know.
Play Samantha. (Kim Cattrall in 'Sex and the City' for the uninitiated).
I know its going to mean a tummy tuck, a boob and nose job at the least, along with some wallet-busting shopping trips (lucky your last lover had a shoe fetish and a bank balance to match).
Oh and don't forget to pick up Locker's 456 page book (you guessed it-'The Idiot's guide to amazing sex') and devour chapter 7 before advancing to the Kamasutra (careful not to pull a muscle) and some of the trickier websites which may seem a lttle daunting at first.
A largeish mirror is essential to practice moves and pick lingerie that comes off easily, so your not left in a twist at the wrong moment.
And sorry I'm digressing,
understandable though isn't it?
Returning to the heavy stuff (heartbreaks and how to heal them, or was it how to hate them? )-remember, being Samantha means acquiring a whole new vocabulary on dates, and you have to learn to hold that steel seductive smile through well tuned husky grunts in bed (there I go again,
but its important to get it right and play it well!).
If it hurts just show more teeth and yell louder (spit his name out ferociously from your system- a surefire turn on), but don't lose the triumphant shake of the head, even if your neck aches.
Its not as hard as it seems, it can be quite pleasant.
You can always use your nails in case you happen to start liking him. You don't want him coming back now do you? That's going to be no good for your tough armour. None of those weak familiar whispers ("does he..., just a little perhaps?".)
Cultivate your cool to a few degrees above freezing. Keep your eyes steadily away from his face. Those eyes aren't softening for you, its just his hormones at work. He can't help that irresistably vulnerable 'lovin look'. Never get fooled. Shut your eyes tight and focus on pouting sexily. Minimise the mouth to mouth, and not just because you have smokers breath!
Are you ready for this? Think of the scores of Tiffany bracelets and that view from the penthouse suite you could have. Worth the effort?
Oh, you say Samantha fell too, did she? Ok think again.
Work backwards perhaps, drop the role model thing and just go with gut instinct.
What would make you feel really good? Wreak sugar sharp vengeance on their consciences? Hmmm. And if they don't have one, then on their marriages, relationships, whatever. Drop an effervescent gem into the office gossip box and watch it glow and spread.
Such simplicity, those old tried and tested ideas. Is that all you want?All the best then, and let me know, in case it doesn't work, I'll contact some of my mafia friends. They are incredibly chivalrous. (The milk of human kindness flows freely among them). Just as a friend though, you do realise it won't guarantee you
another life or no more deaths?
But then again, you can sip your champagne and smile fondly at the thought that you took them down with you- and you're all still
together, partying at hell's door!
I have to leave now. I can see your feeling better and
won't jump.
No not just yet. Call me in case you get close to that edge again.
And even if Jesus forgives you, I won't.
